The limitation of strong suits

We discussed "strong suits" in our last Landmark session. For those who are wondering what it is, a simple explanation- it is a strength which has helped us get success in our life. What I understood is that these strong suits actually start as a survival mechanism sometime in our life....usually as a response to our mind telling us, "There is something wrong here".

Take for example, my strong suits, being intelligent/rational/analytical(the exact term is not important....as long as you get the point) and independent. If I look back into my early childhood (I was perhaps 3-4 years old), I can recollect very clearly this scene....a glass of spilt milk by my side....my mother asking me,

"Why have you spilt the milk?"

Me getting scared and blurting, "No, it wasn't me. It was a cat."

SLAP!

"You are a really bad girl. You are lying. You don't drink your milk. You create so much problems....you don't listen to me...you don't eat what I tell you to eat....Look at your brother- I never have any problems with him."

So there and then, my four-year-old brain processes-

"There is something wrong with me. I am a bad girl and a problem-child." And then the final declaration.... "MY MOTHER DOESN'T LOVE ME."

So boohoohoo! Big deal! Each of us goes through this, right? Well, yeah, but I am trying to link it to my strong suit, so bear with my ramblings just a little longer...

Now soon after this, I come back home with my report card with high scores in all subjects and topping my class. Then the same mother (who doesn't love me, remember) says to my brother,

"Look at your sister. She has come first in class. I never have to look at her studies. She is very intelligent and does it all by herself".

And ting tong, my little four-year-old brain processes again,

"My mother will love me as long as I am intelligent and do my work on my own."

Voila- the birth of my strong suits!

Well, it sounds a bit simplistic...there are other events here and there which kept reinforcing these strong suits. Another example....

Now I am seven years old, my mother, worried about my brother not doing well at school and my father's transferable job, goes to Calcutta for a couple of months to coach him for a boarding school entrance exam. I stay back with my father. Every evening I would be scared to sit in our usual study room at the back of the dark bungalow (one of those old govt. colony houses). So I would take my books and sit in the drawing room, studying and waiting for my father to come back from office. Our neighbour, Chandramouli aunty, would ask me to come and study with her daughters but I would refuse. I wrote several long letters to my mother filling up the blue inland-letters you used to get in those days....even the little space in the side flaps...and wait for her replies. And the post cards from her side would come. "Dear Mamoni, How are you? Hope you are studying and eating properly. Affly Ma." My mother's inability to express herself in letters got translated further to my 7-yr-old brain as "She doesn't care for me. She is with my brother taking care of him. I am on my own and I need to take care of myself."

Well I could go on and on because by now 'the little voice in my head' would interpret vigorously every statement, action and incident and I had stopped distinguishing between that interpretation and what happened. But you get the picture, right?

So I think my strong suits are intelligence and independence. Great, huh? Well, ummm..yeah...in many cases these strong suits are useful and have given me whatever little success I've got in life-But unfortunately strong suits tend to become all-pervasive and could be limiting as I discovered recently. Even in relationships, groups, I tend to use my strong suits and I was not even aware of this. So I have to analyse and be 'intelligent' with my friends, colleagues. My way of winning my mother's love/approval by being intelligent continues as a pattern here as well. And of course I have to be 'independent'. I would look askeance at my ex-boyfriend's "emotional dependence" (my little voice working overtime in every conversation we had).....Can you imagine what a handicap this can become!!!

But now that I know better, am I supposed to be "free" from the handicap of my strong suits? Well, I don't think it works quite like that. But I suppose it could be liberating for me, just by being conscious of it. The other day when I went shopping for my grocery, I came out laden with 4 super-heavy bags (they felt like 15kgs each!!), my super-heavy laptop, my handbag and my handset (which I HAVE to carry in my hand...don't ask me why). As usual I was struggling with these and dancing like a maniac trying to catch the attention of a passing auto rickshaw when suddenly, I realised what an ass I was being. All my life, my male friends, colleagues, family members have tried in vain to lend a helping hand at airports, railway stations or market places...I would refuse their help proudly and give them my usual dialogue- "I have a principle- Don't get things which you can't carry on your own." Why was I being this pig-headed champion of independence all my life???? Well, why why why???? Hee hee hee...Anyways I just asked the guard standing next to me to hail an auto and hold a couple of the bags and I actually felt good about it- the first time in my life!!!! So here's to a new possibility- of being interdependent and collaborative- Cheers! :-)