Completing with an old friend....

Dear S,

I tried calling you today. Anyways let me begin by saying I have been struggling to write this mail and have been postponing it since January when the thought first came to my mind.
I attended a course- the Landmark forum, in January. Frankly, I didn't 'go' as much as I was 'forced to go' as part of an office training program. What I expected out of it was just to get my insistent boss and colleague off my back and perhaps to learn a couple of interesting things about living life ….I even thought it was something like the Art of Living course. But what I got out of it was actually a lot of clarity on my life especially my relationships- with my parents, brother, colleagues, friends…. I realized where I was being inauthentic and where I was being held back because of certain perspectives or interpretations.
For example, after we broke off, and you said that we could not interact on a day-to-day basis, I had a complaint against you that you have "abandoned" our friendship just because you could not accept the fact that our relationship in the previous form was over. I thought that you were being "emotionally dependent" and not willing to go on in life. But after doing the Landmark Forum course I realized that I was actually somewhere trying to make you wrong. I had already assumed that the "right" thing to do under such circumstances was to accept, adapt quickly and move on. In fact, I was not being a friend in accepting your situation as just being that- a situation which I needed to let you be in.
The impact that it had on my life was that I ended up losing a good friend and blaming him for the loss instead of realizing that I myself had created the "stories" in my head which led to the death of our friendship.
Also, I need to tell you that I had been inauthentic in my commitment to you at the very beginning. I realize that there is no "trying" in a relationship. Perhaps, saying that "let's try and see if it works", is a cop out.You either commit to something or you don't. Maybe I was hasty in declaring my love for you. My present understanding of love is that it is truly accepting the other person the way he/she is and loving him/her without any expectations. I never reached that point with you, S. Not just that, I never did try to accept you…the little voice in my head took over and kept telling me things like "he is emotionally dependent", "he doesn't have a mind of his own", "he is insecure", "I'm smarter than him"....blah blah blah. How could I listen to you, S, when I was listening to that stupid little voice all the time? I realize it now and I would like to apologise to you for not being alive to this inauthenticity.

Also, I would like to thank you for truly accepting me the way I was when we were together. I appreciate how non-judgmental you've been with me and how you've been self-expressed in your care for me.

Finally, let me clarify that I just wanted to complete this issue in my past. I wish you find love and happiness in your life. As far as friendship is concerned- there is no "trying"- I give you my word on this. Give me a call anytime you want to talk to an old friend.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Take care.
Sharmishtha