For Mamma

It’s just another Sunday,
I can’t face up to the brightness of the morning
The weight of your voice reeking of untold hopes
I didn’t say it, mother.
I remember the whisper of laughter in the clear blue
A murmur of a quarrel over the weekly shopping
The whiff of spices lingering from your bubbling stew

It’s just another Sunday,
The stale cheerful noise of last night has been aired out
Bleary eyes can’t take your warm adoring gaze anymore
I shouldn’t say it, mother.
Do I feel the oil from your hands smoothening my hair…
That glow of moral arrogance of your honest home.
I wish I could be a part. That I could still run up to you and share….

It’s just another Sunday,
The smoke swirling out of the stub spreads and hides
The seams. I am stitching it up for you as we talk
I couldn’t say it, mother.
I miss the comfort of those old ways.....
The cheerful pervasion of my smug dreams
Oh why didn’t I save all those simple days….

It’s yet another Sunday,
I didn’t say it, Mamma.

But did you just hear it, somehow?

Happy Days

I still remember your bright eyes when we first met
And when I said goodbye that night my heart felt that regret…
You thought there was more to this story and wouldn’t retreat
Oh what a rush it was being pursued…being swept off my feet!
A touch of madness, a bit of desperation and I ran to the mountains
With an eager man who just couldn’t wait…wearing gleaming white shoes :-)
You were disarming like a child and wore your heart on your sleeves
My heart just turned over…..the dams broke, the torrent unleashed.

I still remember that slow dreamy drive back from that vantage point
Where you showed me the snake flower and the misty valley ahead
It was a beautiful starlit sky at night, the bonfire, the wine, the joint
The magician was singing and weaving words…. I just sat, smiled and stared
Marveling at the opening through the clouds….that gleaming ray of a newborn dream
A prayer crept up my lips “God, let me live this beautiful fantasy forever.
Grant me your leave to love him and share this life. Please hear my silent scream!”
I did not wait. I jumped. I seized. I ran. Words pursued. “NO! NO! NEVER!”

We have been running ever since. I lay awake at nights trying to drown that Voice
Struggling within to reconcile myself to the tyranny of the impending Choice
The free love of the heavens which stirs my soul but provides an incomplete mortal life
Pitted against a simple life of daily deeds as A Human Being, A Daughter, A Mother, A Wife.
I turned to you for help and you showed me your empty hands and unhappy heart.
“Stop asking me these painful questions! Nobody can foresee the future at the start.
I am caught up in my own battles here. But I’m calling in Father Time and Lady Luck
They will unravel the mysteries and work out the details on getting us unstuck.”

Father Time sent me a Joyous Summer, a Pensive Fall, a Bitter Winter and a Hopeful Spring
I saw the sights they brought and the songs they sung and asked “What should I be doing?”
They held my hands and said “You seek answers from Time and he sends us your way.
But we are merely mirrors of your thoughts and actions… dark and gloomy or bright and gay.”
I turned to Lady Luck and she laughed, “Have you not heard it, Fortune favours the Bold?
I will be with you. Have the courage to chart your own course and you will strike gold.”
And thus I started walking stripped to the bones. I gave it all, I gave it more.
Fed by blind faith and nothing else…I walked not knowing what lies for us in store.

Suddenly I paused and found myself alone. I had been walking afraid to look back.
Little did I know that I was all by myself befuddled by the thickening fog
I stopped and cried aloud. What went wrong? Where did my love lack?
I was told I never understood you. You would much rather talk to your dog.
My love seemed like pity. My empathy a farce.
You had shut the door to your life on my face.
While I was living an illusion of being in your arms
Cocooned by the love and warmth of my happy days.

And I keep sneaking back even today. When the sun is harsh or the wind too cold.
I have my guilty pleasure. To get a little drunk from my happy days.

SERVQUAL in the context of Relationships (?)

My colleague has been working in the area of Service Quality and shared a few nuggets on this subject yesterday. He talked of 5 key dimensions to judge service quality as propounded by Parasuraman, Zeithaml and Berry in their famous SERVQUAL method. A net search yields description of the dimensions as given below-

• Tangibles - physical facilities, equipment, staff appearance, etc.


• Reliability - ability to perform service dependably and accurately


• Responsiveness - willingness to help and respond to customer need


• Assurance - ability of staff to inspire confidence and trust


• Empathy - the extent to which caring individualized service is given

And understandably, in pure service industries the tangibles are greatly outweighed by the other 4 intangible parameters. The SERVQUAL technique can be used for performing a gap analysis of an organisation’s service performance against customer service quality needs and is based on the customer’s perceptions.
I couldn't help but reflect that this is generally true of any relationship and not just that between a customer and a service provider. So coming to our everyday personal relationships I equated the parameters in the following fashion-

• Reliability-You can depend upon your friend to do as he/she says will do....big or small promises are kept. So whether it is a promise to call or meet or do something together or to carry out a task.....how often are these promises kept?


• Responsiveness- Your friend is willing to help and respond during your times of need....sometimes it's lending an ear when you want to talk, sometimes a shoulder to lean on when you feel weak, sometimes it's merely a smile, a hug or a comforting presence when you are feeling low/lonely.....sometimes it's helping you when you are in a fix or under stress. (Apparently the top 5 reasons for stress in a person's life are death of a close relative, disease, shifting jobs, houses and changes in key relationships.)


• Empathy- Is your friend able to give you individualized care? Is he/she able to understand you and act accordingly to make you feel cared for? There are friends who are able to put themselves in your shoes and know exactly what u need at that point of time. They know when u want to be left alone and when u need to be coaxed out of your shell. They know exactly how u need to be pampered when u r sick or hurting inside.


• Assurance- Whether the friend inspires trust and confidence through actions/words/overall demeanour. Is there honesty and authenticity in the relationship? I also feel somewhere this is a function of the other factors being consistently met over a period of time and perception based on the person's overall actions in life. So if a friend is reliable, responsive and empathetic with you and in general in life, somewhere the trust builds up. On the other hand a person you initially perceive to be honest and truthful and yet over a period of time you find not being very reliable, responsive or empathetic ceases to inspire trust or confidence. (I'm reminded of the 'emotional bank account' metaphor which my ex-boss and guru, Dharen, used to talk about in Momentum. See below for a brief description of this concept)

I guess if there is a friend who comes out with flying colours in these 4 aspects is worth holding on to for a lifetime. And tangibles over and above these qualities (maybe....physical appearance, material possessions, gifts, etc. associated with this relationship) are secondary issues. Perhaps you are wasting your time if these key pillars are missing in a relationship. Yes, you will of course have casual friends and acquaintances in this world. However, it's wise to understand the nature of the relationship and make your choices in life accordingly. So you know where to invest your time, emotions and energy.
The interesting thing about relationships is that there are two parties at work here....So while you are assessing your friend, it is necessary that you examine yourself in the relationship as well. How would you rate yourself as a friend in turn? A tough task...so hard to be objective about this one. Hmmm.....
Ever thought about this....what we put so earnestly at work in our professional lives (most of us do try to be reliable, responsive, empathetic and trustworthy to our colleagues or customers), is so difficult to practise in our personal lives. Maybe the sad truth is that somewhere we forget the importance of those key people in our lives- our friends, family and loved ones. Look around you...so many successful and respected professionals all around with a lonely and unloved personal life. We start our lives with the booster dose of love from our parents who are programmed to love us without any expectations. Beyond that are relationships which we create and hence need to work upon.
My life is full of such wrong choices....but this is not the time or place to rue that fact. I would like to acknowledge some of those friends who made such a lot of difference at various stages of my life.....Litu, Divya, Rinki, Sayantani, Onjus, Goosie, Nive, Lara, Pavi, Saumi, Yogi, Nupur, Subrata, Richa, Doel and Tinni. I wish I could rate myself as highly as I rate each of you as a friend. But I learn each day and I will keep trying.
Love
Sharmishtha

Note: Emotional Bank Account

An emotional bank account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness that you have with another human being.
If I make deposits into an emotional bank account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust towards me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it. My communication may not be clear, but you’ll get my meaning anyway. You won’t make me ‘an offender for a word.’ When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant and effective.

But if I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect, cutting you off, overreacting, ignoring you, becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, or playing little tin god in your life, eventually my Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn. The trust level gets very low....Then what flexibility do I have ?

The quandry and the solution

Is being authentic actually being inauthentic? Hear me out on this before you take me to the nearest mental asylum! The journey of my meandering thoughts lead me to a space which I wanted to share. So here's my two-bit 'aantel' theory....

I started with the thought that being authentic might perhaps mean acting as per your words. But words are authentic when they are true to your thoughts and feelings. However the actions ensue at another point of time. If human beings are moving through time wouldn't their thoughts and feelings move through time as well? And in that case isn't there a possibility that when the actions are to take place, the thoughts or feelings would have moved to a different point? So when you are being authentic by acting as per your words, you are possibly being inauthentic to your thoughts and feelings at that point of time.

An interesting solution to this is a worldview which I experienced during my Landmark Curriculum for Living. As per this point of view the world is created through words and hence only words can bring things to existence. Internal thoughts and feelings in this scheme of things would not hold any ground till they are given birth through words. Hence my whole issue of inauthenticity towards thoughts and feelings is taken away in one clean sweep. I love a simplistic and definitive approach like this which forces the little voice in my head to shut up.

"Huh! Living in denial is a fool's privilege."

That was my little voice. My life partner doesn't like being ignored....(Sigh.)

Note: Date-30th Oct 2008

Ok here's the recent development on this line of thinking....My brother who is currently delving into some learnings from Buddhism and Vipassana technique of meditation told me that if you are able to view thoughts and emotions as guests who come and guests who leave (some perhaps a bit later than others) then the whole issue of identifying yourself with your thoughts goes. If you are able to identify these thoughts and emotions and in some cases even name them it helps to create the awareness. Beyond that what you do with the thoughts and emotions is a separate issue. Obviously once you've spoken, you have given birth to the thought or emotion. So actions need to follow the "word" and not necessarily the current thoughts or emotions. This ties in beautifully with my earlier distillation of Landmark philosophy which essentially talks of the "word" bringing things to existence in this world. Thus there is no dilemna of "inauthenticity" with regards to actions not as per current thoughts/emotions.

Oh well...

It's almost been a year! Where the hell have I been....Seems like I've been signing out of life.
There is a question that vexes me- does it help to know what lies ahead in your life? If you know that something unpleasant is round the corner, wouldn't you try to avoid it? And if you manage to do that, your prediction was inaccurate to begin with. Hence how can you take actions based on predictions which are not reliable? Ahem! Have I lost it again?:-)

For you

I was walking back from the swimming pool in a blissfully exhausted state when suddenly the lights went off. Pitch black all around. I was transported to an age and land far away where the silence of stillness pervades the earth. You could hear the buzz of the night and nothing else. The darkness seemed an apt metaphor for the stories running in my mind…..”Just when you think everything is fine, life springs a black hole on you”. But before the despair overtook me the Hawking radiation was not too far away. A million fireflies fluttered all around taking my breath away. Dancing mischievously and showing me the spirit of all things beautiful in life. It was like Diwali in the middle of summer.
Silently I said a prayer…..For this special friend. I had no appropriate words the other day and I do not believe in temples. But I saw God in those million fireflies and may they light your way.

In search of peace...Munnar hills

Munnar…beautiful, lovely, comforting, Munnar. The silence spoke for me and I felt at home. I felt like walking and walking and walking….it was like a long happy conversation with an old friend in a coffee shop with no purpose or end point.
And the people…the helpful driver, the smiling plantation workers, the purposeful tea museum guide…all seemed like people I’ve known earlier in this life or perhaps a previous life. The cobwebs in my memories are clearing and suddenly I remember the English schoolteacher from 2nd standard and an old driver who drove our jeep through the blistering heat of the colliery mines. Funny what all you can hear if you listen hard enough…
I saw the sweetness in the smile of the plantation worker plucking a cardamom flower. His white teeth and his dark eyes glowed as he showed the fragile white flower and fledgling cardamom pod in his hands. A strange unknown fear gripped my mother and she started hastening me to leave. A few questions come to my mind….Why is it that we are so scared of strangers and unexpected kindness? Does it impose a strange sort of obligation on us to come out of our shells and be nice in turn? Or does being nice run opposite to the productive narcissistic self that we are all turning into?

Your daughter is going to be fine...

Because there are good men like you across the world.

More power to you babe!

To all the women you have touched my life....."More power to you, babes!"
And to all the men who supported these women..."More power to your souls. May you always be in touch with that- your feminine self. "

I'm tired of the questions.....

Truth and love....aren't they the same thing? And with great love comes great responsibility.......and commitment and integrity.
Somewhere there comes faith....when you don't understand....I just need to be in the moment....

Dab Chingri

Contributed by Arpitadi. Thanku! Muah Muah Muah!

I tried this out on my friend and her husband ( who is a mach loving Canadian) this weekend. They simply loved it. For those of us who entertain a lot of o-bangali and bideshi lokjon......this is an absolute hit. The dish is very delicately spiced, and has a whole lot of soft touch to it. The end effect - the spices, the aromas, the textures, the whole thing bursts inside your mouth....giving a very rich gastronomic experience!!! Try this out definitely, even we bangalis who love our food spicy and hot are bound to like it!!

Ingredients

Small Prawn - 750 gms (normally fresh prawns are the best, if not available you can use cooked frozen ones too)

Onion Paste - 100 gms

Milk - 50 ml

Coconut Milk - 75 ml

Cummin Paste - 2 tsp

Green Chilli Paste - 2 tsp

Ginger Paste - 1 tbsp

Poppy Seed Paste - 2 tsp

Cashew Paste - 2 tsp

Lemon Juice - 1 lemon

Salt - to taste

Oil - 3 to 4 tbsp

Fresh Coriander Leaves - for garnishing

1 Whole Green Coconut - (when green coconut not available - try using canned coconut water - this can be found in some Srilankan or South Indian Grocery stores - but if you find green coconut - nothing like it)

Preparation :

Completely shell and de-vein the prawns, wash in cold water. If using cooked frozen prawns, thaw properly.

Rub with lemon juice and salt and keep aside for sometime. Taken oil in a wok and add onion paste. Simmer till oil leaves the sides. Add ginger paste. Stir. Add poppy and cashew paste and simmer till it smells of roasted nut. Add cumin and green chilli paste.

Cook for 2 minutes and add milk and coconut milk. Simmer for about 15 minutes till gravy is set. Add the prawns and simmer till cooked. Add the water of green tender coconut and reduce to till the gravy is thick. You may also scrape out some of the tender coconut from the shell and keep aside for garnishing later on. Add salt to season. Cut the ends of the green coconut and preserve the shell of the head for covering.
Pour the curry into the shell and cook for 20 minutes on a water bath, immersing the stuffed green coconuts till half water level. Serve hot in the shell garnished with fresh coriander leaves and tender coconut pieces.And lo.......behold ...........what an amazing spread it looks and tastes out of the world too!!

Dhanepatawala Chicken (Chicken n Corriander)

Note: Yesterday I went to my Mejojethi's place for lunch. It is in the hallowed tradition of our family that all people residing out of Cal (i.e., lost souls) when they come to visit their friends and family in the city have to be fed to their gills by doting grandmoms, aunts, sisters, etc. and the success of their collective endeavours is measured by the gain on the weighing scales. Anything less than 5-10kgs is seen as a very mediocre effort on their part. So anyways I enjoyed the food soooo much....the least I could do is to pay my homage to her supreme spread by sharing the recipe of one of those many magnificent dishes. The subtle flavour and the simple procedure and ingredients makes this one a gem.

Ingredients

Chicken 1kg

Corriander leaves- 4 bundles (approx 250gms I think)

Green chillies- 4

Garlic paste- 2 tsp

Ginger paste- 1 tsp

Onion- 2 if big in size, 4 if small

Potatoes- 2 medium sized ones

Vinegar- 3 tbsp

Coconut milk- 1 tetrapack of Dabur Hommade one will do (approx 2 cups of thick milk)

Butter- 2tsp

Pepper- 1 tsp

Oil- 4-5tbsp

Salt and Sugar to taste

Procedure

First marinate the chicken with vinegar and salt for an hour. Wash the corriander leaves and green chillies and grind into a thick paste. Cut the onions into long slices and the potatoes into finger-chips. Fry the Onions well (should be red in colour) and the potato finger chips and keep these two aside.

We can use the oil left from the fried onions and potatoes for cooking the chicken (clean any leftover matter with your spatula). First put the garlic and the ginger paste and fry well. Then add the corriander- chilli paste and fry a little bit (not too much, as it will lose the nice green colour and become black instead). Add the coconut milk and then the marinated chicken. Mix well with the fried masala and cook over slow fire. Keep checking and stirring from time to time. When the chicken is cooked check and add the sugarand salt as required. Add the fried potatoes, onion, butter and pepper and mix well. The dish is ready to serve! Since we don't put any water separately while cooking- the dish is "makha makha" with a thick gravy. Goes well with both roti/paratha and rice. (If you like your chicken very hotttt, ;-) then try varying the quantity of green chillies to get your optimum level of spiciness. )

Total preparation time is approx 1 hour (not counting the marination time for the chicken).

Notun Gurer Kanchagolla (Sandesh)

Note: This recipe comes again from my grandmom who is a wizard of cooking- especially sweets. Her chamchams and elojhelos are famed far and wide in her family and friend circles. I was baptized by her to enter this charming realm of Bengali sweets by a simple sandesh- Notun Gurer Kanchagolla.

Ingredients
(For 8 pieces of sandesh)
Milk 1 litre
Calcium lactate 2-3 tsp
Sugar 6 tsps
Patali gur- to taste.....I used a small lump like a medium sized tomato

Procedure

Bring the milk to boil and as it boils take it off the flame and add the calcium lactate. The milk will coagulate to chhana (cottage cheese). Taking it off the flame ensures that the chhana is soft which is required for the sandesh.
Now seive the chhana and let it cool. Once its cooled we need to grind it well to make a very smooth even-textured paste (the texture and consistency reminded me of a thick multani mitti face pack, if you know what I'm talking about)! ;-) My grandmom used the old bengali styled sheel-nora (grindstone), but I think we can use a mixer instead- the one used for dry-grinding
Next put sugar in a kadai (pan) and melt it using a little bit of milk (just 3tbsp should be fine). Let the syrup become a little thick and sticky after which the chhana paste is added and stirred continuously. Crush and add the patali gur and stir continuously to blend it with the chhana. All this is to be done over a slow fire. Now take off the flame. Cool and make into small sandesh. You can roll the sandesh balls in khowa (dried milk powder) to keep it soft over a longer period of time in the fridge.
And again the whole process hardly took half an hour!!! I never knew sandesh is soooooooo easy! Btw, if you don't have patali gur, you can use sugar instead (but I still say nothing beats notun gurer sandesh). ;-))

Doi Maachh (Fish with curd sauce)

Note: This is one of my favourite dishes made by my grandmom. Many a times I've tried to replicate the magic in my kitchen in Bangalore but there was always something missing. Today I prepared this dish along with her and came very very close to her level of perfection...almost there, but not quite! The missing ingredient I realised, was of course, love!
;-) ;-) ;-)

Ingredients
Rohu fish- 8 pieces
Onion paste- 3 tbsp
Ginger paste- 1 tsp
Curd- 100gm
Green chillies- 4
Turmeric- 2 tsp
Red chilly powder- ½ tsp
Oil- 3-4 tbsp
Garam Masala whole- (2 cloves, 2 cinnamon sticks, 2 cardamoms)
1 Bay leaf
Sugar and Salt to taste

Procedure
Wash the fish pieces and mix with 1 ½ tsp turmeric and salt (to taste). Keep aside for sometime (1/2 hr should be fine). If the fish is very fresh there is no need to fry it separately. However, to be on the safe side just lightly fry the fish in the oil (just put in the heated oil and turn on both sides…no need for a proper deep fry). Now put aside the fish. There might be bits which get stuck on the bottom of the fry pan. Just take it all out with a khunti so that the oil looks clear again.
Now add the Garam masala in the hot oil and the bay leaf. Add the onion and ginger paste to this and fry till the oil comes out. Keep stirring to avoid masala getting stuck or burnt. Add the red chilli powder and fry a little longer. Now place the fried fish into the pan carefully.
Beat up the curd to an even paste and add a little salt, sugar and turmeric powder to this. Pour this mixture on to the pan and shake the pan a little bit to allow the curd-paste to get mixed with the fried masala. Add the green chillies to this and let the mixture boil. Sometimes my grandmom adds a few raisins in it as well. But it tastes yum even without it. As the gravy gets done, carefully turn over all the pieces of fish once.
Ting tong! Five more mins and the dish is ready to serve!

The entire preparation time is only 30mins..in fact, sometimes even less than that! Isn’t that fabulous! :-))

Love lost in fear....

We spoke over the telephone and this is what I felt happened.
I felt that I truly connected to you with my heart. I could hear the pain and the love in your voice. I could hear the music in your words. I could see a doting son, a protective brother, an understanding friend, an empowering leader, a righteous father and a passionate lover; all-at-once during that one conversation. In one night I lived a lifetime.
If we could create such magic out of nothing over a few hours, I am scared of the countless days ahead. I am scared. Shit-scared….I look to you for support when I go down. And I’ll be here when you go down. And that’s the truth for me. Right here. Right now.

Baked Fish in Banana Leaf (Paturi)

Contributed by Arpita Basu

(Thanks Arpitadi, you are my first recipe blogger!)

Ingredients:(Serves 4)

*Banana leaves (each 10 in. x 10 in. approx.) 4 nos. The idea is to cook the fish in a banana-leaf envelope. But since banana leaves are not easily obtainable, I use aluminium foil instead. However, note that only banana leaves can bring that the distinctive aroma of paturi.

*Fish 500 gms. (8 pieces) In India, typically Bowal, Pabda, Bhetki and Hilsa are used. But I have used Cod, Haddock and Shrimps too and they taste equally good. Remember to remove all scales and bones.

*Cooking oil (mustard oil) 2 ½ tbsp. Mustard oil is a must, it brings that much needed zing to the dish.

*Mustard paste or powder 2 tbsp.

*grated coconut 4 tbsp.

*Ginger paste 1 tsp.

*Green chilly paste 1 tsp.

*Green chilly (sliced longitudenally into two) 2 nos.

*Turmeric powder ½ tsp.

*Salt to taste

Procedure:

Add all ingredients (except the banana leaves) together and mix well. Marinate the fish in the mixture and keep refrigerated for atleast 2 hours. Grease the banana leaves or aluminium foils with little bit of mustard oil. Place a single fillet of marinated fish and put a slice of green chilli on top. Now make all the parcels similarly. If using banana leaves, tie the parcels with the help of a string. Pre-heat the oven at 200 degrees. Place the parcels in the pre-heated oven for about 15 to 20 minutes. And voila!!! Your fish is ready!!! Enjoy with steamed rice!! Yummy!!

Completing with an old friend....

Dear S,

I tried calling you today. Anyways let me begin by saying I have been struggling to write this mail and have been postponing it since January when the thought first came to my mind.
I attended a course- the Landmark forum, in January. Frankly, I didn't 'go' as much as I was 'forced to go' as part of an office training program. What I expected out of it was just to get my insistent boss and colleague off my back and perhaps to learn a couple of interesting things about living life ….I even thought it was something like the Art of Living course. But what I got out of it was actually a lot of clarity on my life especially my relationships- with my parents, brother, colleagues, friends…. I realized where I was being inauthentic and where I was being held back because of certain perspectives or interpretations.
For example, after we broke off, and you said that we could not interact on a day-to-day basis, I had a complaint against you that you have "abandoned" our friendship just because you could not accept the fact that our relationship in the previous form was over. I thought that you were being "emotionally dependent" and not willing to go on in life. But after doing the Landmark Forum course I realized that I was actually somewhere trying to make you wrong. I had already assumed that the "right" thing to do under such circumstances was to accept, adapt quickly and move on. In fact, I was not being a friend in accepting your situation as just being that- a situation which I needed to let you be in.
The impact that it had on my life was that I ended up losing a good friend and blaming him for the loss instead of realizing that I myself had created the "stories" in my head which led to the death of our friendship.
Also, I need to tell you that I had been inauthentic in my commitment to you at the very beginning. I realize that there is no "trying" in a relationship. Perhaps, saying that "let's try and see if it works", is a cop out.You either commit to something or you don't. Maybe I was hasty in declaring my love for you. My present understanding of love is that it is truly accepting the other person the way he/she is and loving him/her without any expectations. I never reached that point with you, S. Not just that, I never did try to accept you…the little voice in my head took over and kept telling me things like "he is emotionally dependent", "he doesn't have a mind of his own", "he is insecure", "I'm smarter than him"....blah blah blah. How could I listen to you, S, when I was listening to that stupid little voice all the time? I realize it now and I would like to apologise to you for not being alive to this inauthenticity.

Also, I would like to thank you for truly accepting me the way I was when we were together. I appreciate how non-judgmental you've been with me and how you've been self-expressed in your care for me.

Finally, let me clarify that I just wanted to complete this issue in my past. I wish you find love and happiness in your life. As far as friendship is concerned- there is no "trying"- I give you my word on this. Give me a call anytime you want to talk to an old friend.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Take care.
Sharmishtha

The limitation of strong suits

We discussed "strong suits" in our last Landmark session. For those who are wondering what it is, a simple explanation- it is a strength which has helped us get success in our life. What I understood is that these strong suits actually start as a survival mechanism sometime in our life....usually as a response to our mind telling us, "There is something wrong here".

Take for example, my strong suits, being intelligent/rational/analytical(the exact term is not important....as long as you get the point) and independent. If I look back into my early childhood (I was perhaps 3-4 years old), I can recollect very clearly this scene....a glass of spilt milk by my side....my mother asking me,

"Why have you spilt the milk?"

Me getting scared and blurting, "No, it wasn't me. It was a cat."

SLAP!

"You are a really bad girl. You are lying. You don't drink your milk. You create so much problems....you don't listen to me...you don't eat what I tell you to eat....Look at your brother- I never have any problems with him."

So there and then, my four-year-old brain processes-

"There is something wrong with me. I am a bad girl and a problem-child." And then the final declaration.... "MY MOTHER DOESN'T LOVE ME."

So boohoohoo! Big deal! Each of us goes through this, right? Well, yeah, but I am trying to link it to my strong suit, so bear with my ramblings just a little longer...

Now soon after this, I come back home with my report card with high scores in all subjects and topping my class. Then the same mother (who doesn't love me, remember) says to my brother,

"Look at your sister. She has come first in class. I never have to look at her studies. She is very intelligent and does it all by herself".

And ting tong, my little four-year-old brain processes again,

"My mother will love me as long as I am intelligent and do my work on my own."

Voila- the birth of my strong suits!

Well, it sounds a bit simplistic...there are other events here and there which kept reinforcing these strong suits. Another example....

Now I am seven years old, my mother, worried about my brother not doing well at school and my father's transferable job, goes to Calcutta for a couple of months to coach him for a boarding school entrance exam. I stay back with my father. Every evening I would be scared to sit in our usual study room at the back of the dark bungalow (one of those old govt. colony houses). So I would take my books and sit in the drawing room, studying and waiting for my father to come back from office. Our neighbour, Chandramouli aunty, would ask me to come and study with her daughters but I would refuse. I wrote several long letters to my mother filling up the blue inland-letters you used to get in those days....even the little space in the side flaps...and wait for her replies. And the post cards from her side would come. "Dear Mamoni, How are you? Hope you are studying and eating properly. Affly Ma." My mother's inability to express herself in letters got translated further to my 7-yr-old brain as "She doesn't care for me. She is with my brother taking care of him. I am on my own and I need to take care of myself."

Well I could go on and on because by now 'the little voice in my head' would interpret vigorously every statement, action and incident and I had stopped distinguishing between that interpretation and what happened. But you get the picture, right?

So I think my strong suits are intelligence and independence. Great, huh? Well, ummm..yeah...in many cases these strong suits are useful and have given me whatever little success I've got in life-But unfortunately strong suits tend to become all-pervasive and could be limiting as I discovered recently. Even in relationships, groups, I tend to use my strong suits and I was not even aware of this. So I have to analyse and be 'intelligent' with my friends, colleagues. My way of winning my mother's love/approval by being intelligent continues as a pattern here as well. And of course I have to be 'independent'. I would look askeance at my ex-boyfriend's "emotional dependence" (my little voice working overtime in every conversation we had).....Can you imagine what a handicap this can become!!!

But now that I know better, am I supposed to be "free" from the handicap of my strong suits? Well, I don't think it works quite like that. But I suppose it could be liberating for me, just by being conscious of it. The other day when I went shopping for my grocery, I came out laden with 4 super-heavy bags (they felt like 15kgs each!!), my super-heavy laptop, my handbag and my handset (which I HAVE to carry in my hand...don't ask me why). As usual I was struggling with these and dancing like a maniac trying to catch the attention of a passing auto rickshaw when suddenly, I realised what an ass I was being. All my life, my male friends, colleagues, family members have tried in vain to lend a helping hand at airports, railway stations or market places...I would refuse their help proudly and give them my usual dialogue- "I have a principle- Don't get things which you can't carry on your own." Why was I being this pig-headed champion of independence all my life???? Well, why why why???? Hee hee hee...Anyways I just asked the guard standing next to me to hail an auto and hold a couple of the bags and I actually felt good about it- the first time in my life!!!! So here's to a new possibility- of being interdependent and collaborative- Cheers! :-)

The Odd Couple, Ranga Shankara and an evening of smiles

6.30pm I woke up with a start. Shit! I was supposed to reach Ranga Shankara at 7pm!!! Nive had called about this play "The Odd Couple". I thought I had seen an ad in the papers in Mumbai...I remembered Kitu Gidwani in the cast of that play. Luckily I wasn't too late- reached by 7.15pm well in time before the doors were shut. Surprise! surprise! Batchmate from XIMB, Naveen B in the cast....no Kitu Gidwani though (must have confused the names or difft production companies).
There are two central characters, Oscar and Felix who are living under one roof...one is divorced and the other is going thru a divorce. I am too lazy to type out the entire story...so I have conveniently found a link which gives more details.... http://www.sulekha.com/events/evtdpnew.aspx?cid=210965&nma=MAA. I love google. :))
I had a very hearty laugh. I can spend hours nitpicking over the acting, direction and the lack of pathos/deep meaning....but let's face it, truth is, I had a very good time. It was funny and I could relate to many of the characters and lines. I don't care whether I will remember this play or evening in years to come. Here and now- I feel happy.
And yes, I love Ranga Shankara. There is something so charming about that place....it allows the viewers to feel like they are a part of the play and the events are really happening to them. Somehow it's like you are rehearsing along with the group in some sense....every tiny whisper is heard, the changeovers are transparent and you can actually see the throb in the actors' throats as they deliver their lines. It is interactive...almost intimate.
We met Naveen at the end of the show. I quite admire people like him and Srijit who are able to pursue their hobbies along with a full time job. He he he....so I guess I have little excuse for not practising my writing through this blog.
I walked back from the Forum signal....drinking a frappe, swinging my green hobo bag and smiling silly. Was it the creation of a blog, an evening of laughs, inspiration from an old acquaintance or merely the high of sugar from the drink? I don't care. I'm smiling. :)

Ready...Fire...Aim

I was first inspired to create my own blog when I saw Zen's blog (http://entropymuse.blogspot.com/). But that inspiration was drowned in a bedlam of reasons which covered up my laziness or perhaps fear. I kept being passive and watching from the sidelines (i.e., reading other people's blogs, posting comments, writing passages in my mind, etc.) . After doing a course at Landmark Forum I decided to finally start my own blog. I still don't know what I am going to write about. I have a nagging suspicion at the back of my mind that it might be a short-lived affair. I even feel like I have lost my friendship with words (I've stopped serious reading and writing quite some time back). But despite all these reasons, I've decided to take the plunge and be "unreasonable".
So it's going to be a bit expeditionary......as Dharen loves to say, "Ready....Fire....Aim!"